Stuck
by Atarah Derek
Summary: Schultz seriously needs to lose some weight. One shot.


**Stuck**

**Dedication: **For my friend Mikkie Gleason. Hey, other authors dedicate their stories, so why shouldn't I?

**Disclaimer:** I own nussink, I make money on nussink, I know nussink!

The night life of Stalag 13 appeared to any outsider to be peaceful and quiet. Guards patrolled the wire, keeping a short leash on their wanderlust-prone German shepherds. Corporal Langdenscheit led a patrol on one side of the camp, while Sergeant Schultz patrolled the other side. Underground, however, there was a lot more going on.

"'Ere you are," Corporal Newkirk said, handing a new set of identification papers to the latest refugee. "Papers, and enough money to get you to the coast."

The escapee, a lieutenant, thanked him. "Great job on this outfit, by the way."

Newkirk waved him off. "All part of the job, mate."

"Alright, Carson, ready to go?" Colonel Hogan asked as he came around the corner into the sewing room.

"Yessir," the young officer replied.

"Good. The sub's been alerted. Just take the route we gave you, and you should be fine. Rendezvous will be at 0500 hours tomorrow. The underground will hide you overnight on the coast."

"I can't thank you guys enough for all this."

Hogan shrugged. "Just doing our job."

Carson shook his head. "All this, right under the krauts' noses. I still can't believe it."

"We do a right bit of work," Newkirk said.

"Okay, Carson, Newkirk here will take you to the tunnel entrance, and you'll be on your way."

The lieutenant saluted Hogan. "Yes sir!"

Hogan smiled. "Never mind the formalities. You're a German civilian, remember?"

"Right."

"This way, Lieutenant," Newkirk said, escorting his charge out of the room.

…............

Kinch, Carter, and LeBeau stood at the entrance below the emergency tunnel, waiting for the all clear. Kinch had the periscope up, checking the area for patrols.

"Uh oh. Here comes Schultz," he said.

"He'll pass by in a moment," LeBeau assured him.

Kinch pulled back a bit, startled as one of the dogs discovered the opposite end of the periscope and immediately began sniffing at it. "Go away, Fritz," he mumbled.

The dog moved just enough to one side to lift his leg and mark the scope as his own.

Kinch couldn't help himself. He put the scope down and laughed. "Fritz, you dumb dog."

"What'd he do?" Carter asked.

"He peed on the periscope."

The other two men chuckled at this. "Well, when ya gotta go, ya gotta go," Carter said.

"'Ere, now, what's the 'old up? We 'aven't got all night, you know."

Newkirk came around the corner, closely followed Carson in his German civvies.

"We're waiting for Fritz to finish using the trees," Carter said. "You know how dogs can be sometimes. When I was a kid, we had a dog who thought that every car in the neighborhood was his tree, and he would..."

"Carter," Newkirk snapped, cutting him off.

"The point is, we're waiting until Schultz and his patrol pass," Kinch said. He slowly raised the periscope to survey the scene up above again.

…..............

Schultz was getting tired. He figured no one would miss him if he sat down to rest, just for a moment. He instructed the rest of the patrol to keep going, and headed straight for the biggest, most comfortable-looking tree stump he could find. He settled down on the stump and immediately closed his eyes, much to the chagrin of the man watching him through the periscope hidden nearby. The heavyset guard was sitting right over the tunnel entrance.

Schultz didn't have long to rest, however. He felt the wood underneath him bending. Before he could react, the top of the stump collapsed inward, and Schultz yelped as he slipped into the opening. There he lay, dazed, with his rather large rear end wedged firmly inside the entrance of the tree trunk.

…...............

LeBeau and Carter jumped and ran when they heard the wood above their heads crack. Wood splinters and dirt cascaded down the ladder, followed by a blue-gray coattail. LeBeau poked his head into the entrance to inspect the damage.

"Schultz is stuck in the tunnel entrance!" he cried.

"Oh, boy," was all Kinch could say. How were they going to get out of this one? How were they going to get Schultz out of it? "Carter, go get Colonel Hogan."

Carter immediately took off to find their commanding officer.

Carson looked around nervously. "What do we do now?"

"Well, we wait to see if Colonel Hogan has any ideas," said Kinch, "and after we free Schultz and convince him that he saw nothing, we'll get you out and to the coast. But until then, you're just as stuck as Schultz is."

…................

"Colonel!" Carter shouted, racing through the tunnels. He nearly ran straight into Hogan.

"Quiet, there are people sleeping above us," Hogan scolded, not wanting to risk any noise drifting up to the guards' barracks. "What's all the yelling about?"

"Schultz just collapsed the entrance to the emergency tunnel and got stuck!"

Hogan stared at him in shock for a moment, then rubbed the bridge of his nose. "Oh, boy. Okay, listen, Carter, I need you to take some of your firecrackers, slip under the wire, and set up in the woods somewhere away from Schultz. Draw off the patrols. I'll send someone to help keep 'em distracted while we get Schultz out."

"Yessir," Carter said, heading for the lab where he kept everything that had to do with explosives. Hogan sighed and broke into a jog, heading toward the emergency tunnel.

…..............

Schultz was getting frustrated. He'd been shouting for help for what felt like hours (though it had only been a few minutes), and no one thus far had responded. "What am I going to do?" he moaned. "Why is no one coming?" His back ached, and his head and neck were starting to hurt from being in such an awkward position. Suddenly he heard rustling in the woods.

"Hello! Over here! It's Schultz! Help me up!"

"Jawol, Sergeant!" came the response.

Schultz breathed a prayer of thanks that he had been discovered, and help was on the way. His relief was short lived, however, for a series of sharp pops sounded nearby. Schultz shouted in fright. Gunfire!

The guards who had a moment ago been focused on rescuing their comrade now turned, shouting in confusion, and charged up the hill, firing their automatic weapons into the woods.

"Wait!" Schultz cried. "Where are you going? What about me?"

…...............

Hogan surveyed the situation before him from down below. He could hear Schultz's cries, and every now and again, the guard moved his significant bulk, sending showers of dirt down on the men. "Kinch, you four try pushing him out from this end. I'm gonna send Olsen into the woods with Carter, and I'll try to pull Schultz out from above."

"How are you going to keep Schultz from talking?" Kinch asked, concern etched all over his face.

Hogan clapped LeBeau on the back. "I think a couple candy bars and the promise of apple strudel will take care of that."

The Frenchman rolled his eyes.

"I 'ate to be the voice of doubt, but suppose that doesn't work?" Newkirk said. "Suppose Schultz reports us anyway?"

"Yeah," agreed Carson. "What happens to us then?"

"Well," said Hogan, "we either all accompany you to the coast, Lieutenant, or we all face a firing squad. And right now, I don't think the former is the more likely outcome."

…..............

After assigning decoy duty to Olsen and instructing Baker to stand by the radio in case they needed to contact London and arrange an evacuation, Hogan slipped out of the barracks and under the wire. Most of the guards were headed in Carter's direction, and as long as Olsen was careful, he would find Carter long before the patrols did. Hogan heard Olsen fire his pistol into the air a couple of times to further draw off the guards. He headed for the emergency tunnel.

When he arrived, Schultz was squirming and kicking his legs, trying to work his way out of the position he'd found himself in. He heard Hogan approaching.

"It's about time! You don't leave me, the sergeant of the guard, and go look for the men who are shooting!" he glanced up, suddenly realizing that the figure before him was not one of his men. "Colonel Hogan! What are you doing here? You are not supposed to be outside the wire!"

Hogan spit out the first answer he could think of. "Two of my men went missing tonight, and when I heard those trigger happy guards firing into the woods, I knew I had to save my men. I slipped out with one of the patrols." He paused, as if noticing Schultz's predicament for the first time. "Are you stuck Schultz?"

Schultz gave him an annoyed look. "No, Colonel, this is the way I always rest when I am on patrol. Of course I am stuck! What does it look like?"

"Well, here, let me help you," Hogan offered, reaching down and taking Schultz's hand.

…..............

Down below, LeBeau watched the scene outside through the periscope. He signaled the others to start pushing. Kinch, Newkirk, and Carson pushed against Schultz's bottom as hard as they could, groaning with the effort.

…..............

Hogan heaved with all his might, while Schultz pushed against the stump with his free hand. After nearly a minute of relentless pulling from one side, and pushing from the other, Schultz popped out of the stump, sending Hogan stumbling backward. The American colonel landed hard on his own rear.

Schultz stood, dusted himself off, and reached down to pick up his rifle.

"Thank you, Colonel Hogan. I would have been stuck there all night."

"No problem, Schultz," Hogan said as he stood and brushed himself off as well.

"But something was pushing me from down below," said Schultz, pointing back over his shoulder.

Hogan shrugged. "Probably a badger. You know how protective of their dens they can be."

"It was a strong badger."

"Most of them are, Schultz."

"What kind of badger would be that strong?" Schultz began to turn so that he could inspect this so-called badger's den, but Hogan stopped him.

"Ah, Schultz, just take my word for it. Badgers get pretty aggressive. If I were you, I'd just walk carefully away, and pretend none of this ever happened. You don't want to upset the wildlife."

"You're probably right," Schultz said. "But now we must go find those escaped prisoners! Oh, I must report them!"

"Okay, Schultz, do your duty. I'll even help you find them. I just hope the haven't gotten hurt."

As the guard and the American officer headed off toward the sounds of gunfire, Kinch watched with amusement. Badgers, huh? That kind of fast thinking was what made the sergeant proud to have Hogan as his CO.

Kinch quickly and quietly ushered Carson out, sending him in the opposite direction from Schultz and Hogan. The diversion Carter and Olsen had created was perfect for the lieutenant's escape.

…............

Perfect from Kinch's end, that is. Carter cast a worried glance at Olsen as the two of them led the patrols on a wild goose chase around the camp, setting off firecrackers and shooting their guns into the air in an attempt to draw the guards' fire. But Carter was fast running out of firecrackers, and Olsen was down to his last three bullets. They stopped to rest and assess the situation.

"I think we should head back to camp," Olsen suggested. "Hogan should have gotten Schultz out by now."

"Yeah, but what if he didn't?" Carter whispered back.

Olsen paused, signaling for Carter to be silent so he could listen.

"Carter! Olsen!" The voice belonged to Schultz. "I know you are out there! Turn yourselves in, and there will be no more shooting. Please!"

The last word was more of a worried plea than a command.

"Carter!" came Hogan's voice. "Olsen! Just give yourselves up! I already told you an escape was too dangerous tonight! Do you believe me now?"

The other two men picked up on the hint and ditched their weapons. They shuffled out of the woods with hands in the air.

"Don't shoot!" Carter cried. "Yeah, we believe you, Colonel!"

Schultz growled. "How could you escape on a night like this? You almost got us all into trouble!"

"We're sorry, Schultz," Olsen said. "Sorry to you too, sir," he added, nodding at Hogan.

"Boy, I'll tell you what, when those first gun shots went off, we thought they had us," Carter said. "And then more patrols came! It was pretty scary there for a while."

"I know," Schultz said. "Those patrols were supposed to stay with me, and let the first patrol capture you two. I was almost attacked by a giant badger because of you!"

"Yeah, those darn badgers," Hogan said with a grin.

"Back to camp, all of you!" Schultz commanded, jabbing his gun into Carter's ribs. "Raus!"

With that, Schultz marched his three prisoners back to Stalag 13.

…..................

After negotiating a lenient sentence for Olsen and Carter with Klink the next morning, Hogan went down below to check on the repairs being made to the tunnel. The tree stump had to be covered with branches and dirt, and that evening a couple of the men would go up above to find a new stump to plant over the entrance—or build a new one out of stronger wood.

"Hey, Kinch," Hogan greeted his second in command. "Did Carson get away alright last night?"

"Yeah, Colonel. The underground confirmed meeting him outside of Düsseldorf just a few moments ago."

Hogan gave him a surprised look. "Carson travels fast."

"Good thing, too. That diversion last night was perfect, by the way."

"Yup," said Hogan. "One of those spur of the moment things. Not that I want to ever use it again."

"No way," Kinch agreed. "Schultz is even heavier than he looks. Newkirk and I are still sore from that little workout."

"Apparently. I heard Newkirk this morning complaining that LeBeau did nothing to help with the actual hauling."

"In all fairness, there wasn't really enough room for the three of us who were on or near the ladder."

"Yeah, well, LeBeau will just have to make up for it by cooking all of us a delicious meal tonight."

Kinch smiled. "In the meantime, it looks like another crisis was averted."

"Yeah," Hogan said, watching as a couple of men carried buckets of dirt out of the emergency tunnel. That entrance would be out of commission for a while as the necessary repairs were made. Any direct access to the woods was, for now, blocked.

Suddenly Hogan groaned. "Great, just great," he muttered.

"What is it, Colonel?" Kinch asked.

"What are we gonna do about the guns Carter and Olsen left in the woods near the camp?"

**The End.**

**AN:** The badgers reference was directly inspired by an incident in a cabin up near Glacier National Park a few years ago. This is my little shout out to a friend who was there at the time, and won't let me forget it. Thanks, Mikkie.


End file.
